20:46 - 21.04.2008
damsel in distress

i have dreams that the baby is born dead or deformed. the one time i pray i cannot accurately see the future. i'm trying really hard to take care or him (or her, i suppose--i just want a little boy). but i'm so depressed that it's hard. i oversleep. housework piles up. errands go unrun. i cut class to come home and sleep and sulk. school seems pointless, since i know i'm not going back in the fall. justanothercollegedropout. i try to care, but can't.

the first of my coworkers that i told about the baby is thenewguy, who, SURPRISETOME!!! started sunday night. i wish they would tell me when i have a trainee, versus me finding out when he just shows up. i know i can open up to him because i don't know him. i'm afraid to tell people i know because i don't want the harsh criticism. well, how are you going to finish school, now? how are you going to afford thebaby? who's going to lookafter thebaby while you're at work? did you just get married because you were pregnant? don't you think you'd be better off getting an abortion? etc.

my mom and husband both pressured me to get an abortion. i went and paid $100 at the fucking clinic to get "counseled." that's when i decided that it was out of the question. first, the place was dirty. second, it was filled with dirty people giving me dirty looks, many of whom were repeat customers. i can't kill my baby. i don't think it's right. i already love him, even if noone else loves him (or me). to my husband, he's just an "it" or "thebaby" or "thefetus." well, to me, he's our baby, and i named him trennen karlheinz. (if it's a girl, i'll just have to change that to maddalyn rosa). and i'm sure my husband intends to argue over the name--he wants to name a boy frederick (his middle name) or a girl annamarie (after his dead sister). no fucking way. trennen deserves his own, unique name. and if my husband doesn't even want a baby, he has no say in the name, as far as i'm concerned. i'm pissed at me. he barely speaks to me; avoids me as much as possible.

we got into a fight over his rifle and sword collection, too. i told him that i will not have weapons in the house with a child. he said he'd hide them. again, NO WEAPONS IN THE HOUSE! is is so hard to understand?

i'm rather under the impression that i'm going to be begging my parents to move back in with them. as soon as trennen is weaned, i'm going to starve and purge myself nearly to death. fuckedup plan, i know, but i yearn to able to hide behind an ed again. just can't do it now because i don't want to hurt trennen. scaredtodeath that i already have. i was 6 weeks along before i knew i was pregnant. the doctor asked why i didn't think missing my period was odd. well, um, i've had amenorrhea (know that's spelled wrong--sorry) for about 3 years. why would i think that missing a period would mean i was pregnant?

i really want a boy. don't think i could handle a girl. i dream of having twins, one of each. i hope not. i can't imagine having 2 babies. i think i would give up and cry.

and thus my future disintegrates before my very eyes...