10:30 - 12.01.2008
i become a deaddog

i have been a turtle, sadly. yesterday, as i was attempting to leave campus, i heard someone screaming my name. looked across the street, and there was addie, a german grad student (which i hope to be someday). was was also one of the ta's when i finished ii last spring. and incidentally, i had explained to the ta of my german class, the only class i have fridays, just a few minutes earlier that, unlike all the 18&19yearolds which comprise the rest of the class, who started at osu autumnquarter, already placed in 104 because they took german in highschool (lucky bastards), i took 4 quarters of ii, and haven't had any formal instruction since lastspring. he'd asked who my ta had been, noting that my abilities seemed "different" than those of the other students. well, they're used to speaking in class and don't have an anxiety disorder. therefore, i am very quiet compared to the rest of them. but i'm used to reading and writing and grammar practice, and i can run circles around the others in that respect. except for one of them. but he's not really oneofthem, as you'll see.

and oddly enough, there's addie, running across the street to see me. dumb, fatass that i am, i turn, step over the curb with one foot, not realizing it, come down hard on my left ankle, and it twists sharply. i literally fall on top of myself, thrust fowards my the backpack, into the street. lucky for me, i don't end up a human speedbump because i land in a kneeling position. but can't get up because of: 1) the heavy pack, which is now on top of me, and 2) my throbbing ankle.

even now, it still hurts verymuch, so it's definitely fuckedup. justmyluck. but backtoyesterday, addie grabbed one of my arms; kasch, the other, and they got me to my feet. i miss addie.

kasch is the otherone in the class. he's a native speaking, studying abroad for 2 quarters (the equivalent of a semester backhome), officially a student at teh technische universitaet in dresden (versus being a sucky buckeye like everyone else), and i have to say, is extremely goodlooking. either friday of wednesday must have been his first day in class, because i know he wasn't there on monday or the previous friday. wednesday was the day i skipped. i feel kindofbad for him. he's a native speaker, but because osu won't let anyone place out of 201, he's stuck in an intermediate class, taught by a ta from arizona, who is obviously not a native speaker, and the class is over east german language, literature, and culture since 1945. he's from dresden, which is in east germany. he must be terribly bored. but has to take this class before he can take any of the "good" german classes.

i wish that i were still anaskinny. i'll have to try very hard and works my ass off--haha. i reeally want kasch to like me, and i'm certain that when he looks at me, all he can see is a fat, bulimic cow. am i being unfaithful? my poor fiance. still, kasch...

in other news, it's a bad idea to eat fifteen of so packets of herbal laxative tea. the stuff in the bags is meant to be brewed out through steeping, not consumed in it's entirity. i was desperate. and have a horrid stomachache as result. and it didn't work anybetter than plain, brewed tea would have. i'm a bloedmann.

i did pay my mom back for my car repairs, though. tomorrow my ankle will probably have numbed down enough so i can workout. it's so sore now that i don't dare ride my bike. which makes me want to throw up, even though i haven't eaten anything. sad, sad, sad. have a ton of homework to do since i decided to work in my studio instead of studying last night. finished a few pieces, though: "kinderspiel," "und ein, an welche zu wachen," and "mutti, warum sehe ich nicht aenlich das?" not that the titles say much.

"kinderspiel" is a book of sorts. it's very simple: a single magazine image glued on a piece of construction paper with a word, phrase, sentence, etc. to help tell the story, "crayoned" on in oil pastel. about eating disorders. ein kleines schweinchen, zwei kleines schweinchen, eine grosses kuh, ich werd' ein toder hund...

"und ein, an welche zu wachen" is a rework of an old collage that was falling apart, due to excessive humidity in my parents house, andt he fact that it had cookies glued on it, which were crumbling apart. just a bunch of images of birthday cakes, people binging on birthday cake, and one cake over and over with a number (weight) in it, and a halfburntdown birthday candle. 13 of each. for the first 12 years of my life, before i became fully aware of my food issue, and 1 to grow on. then, in the bottom right corner, a postit note with the message: herzlichen glueckwunsh zum gerburtstag. werd bald besser.

the final, just the words of the title scribbled over and over: mutti, warum sehe ich nicht aenlich das? and 4 images of barbiedolls, with the wrong heads on their tooskinny bodies.

i love art.