19:38 - 14.12.2007
sheiSSe! (fuckit!)

my fiance seems to believe that when i spend an hour gagging myself, it means i want to go out for mediterranean food.

i don't follow the logic. in fact, i question whether it is logical. i literally announce that i'm going to eat a cake and throw it up. lacking a cake, settle for a few fistfulls of chocolate candies. after i emerge from the bathroom, shaking, fresh puke stains on the toilet seat and towels; "do you want to go out for dinner?" was fuer ein bloede amerikaner!

kroger has fucked me over yet again. i was supposed to get 2 checks this week: 1 for the vacation i didn't recieve and 1 for the hours i actually worked. i got the vacation check. DID NOT GET THE FUCKING REGULAR PAY. thus, fingers following the chocolate down my throat. (see, i used a picture of a kitty to make it more/less horrifying.) thank you, dear kroger, for making me bulimic. in all sarcasm, of course. i can possibly get the money if i complain to the hr manager. i'm afraid to say anything. i desperately need the fucking money, though. "vati; koennen sie mit sie sprechen? ich hab' so viel angst vor jedem ding in der welt. ich kann etwas nicht sagen. ich bin zu nervoes.

i hate that the keyboard doesn't have umlauts. but since the pronunciation is the same as (and it's technically an abbreviation for) the combination vowel+e, i started just typing in the "e." i've seen this in formal publications, such as newspapers. and it's definitely better than omitting the umlaut in favor of an unumlauted vowel, as though it makes no difference. and i'm sick of cutting and pasting from word; the alleged shortcutkeys never work for me. guess i just press them worng. akin to how i cannot page with the phone at work. not just because of my anxiety (although that is why i don't ask someone to figure out what i'm doing wrong.

i have to use the bonein saw at work to cut fucking hams in half if customers so request. total bockmist! my boss doesn't understand how deathly terrified i am of the saws. tim, the cutter, understands, and didn't force me to use it today. he actually made me laugh: "now, make sure you don't cut off your arm, 'cause i dunno how i'm gonna hold your arm on and drive you to the hospital at the same time, being that my car's a stickshift. 'less you wanna hold your own arm on." imagine a straightfaced, 26yearold, southern ohioan native with a "hillbilly" accent, covered in blood, wearing an osu sweatshirt saying this to thefadingmajikcowboy. funny indeed. problem is, i a good deal of my family is also from southern ohio, and i'm halfgerman on both sides of my family for generations back. when i get superpissed, 1 of 2 things happen. either way, i tend to mutter and swear under my breath. but it could either be: "verdammter schinken! das ist total sheiSS! ich bin kein feine verdammte fleischeschneider. warum koennen sie scheissengesichte nicht verstehen? alle sie muessen mich am arsch lecken sie!" or: "fucking ham! this is total shit! i'm not a fucking meatcutter. why can't you shitfaces understand? y'all need to fuck off and die!" most people who know me would never suspect that i am capable of uttering words such as "y'all" or "we'uns" and so forth. i try to smirk when tim slips into his drawl. know he's heard me do it once or twice, though. and heard me mutter or shriek in german a couple thousand times. i'm telling you; it's in the blood pumping through my brain. slip of the tongue.

i only have 1 day off work next week. and going to work makes me want to eat a gallon of hoummus and throw it up. mein leben ist prima! especially now that i have to use the saw. schoen. which is my favorite word to use sarcastically in german. probably because my instructors always used "schoen" as a praiseword, so it's familiar.

the other night, i told my fiance i felt to anxious to sleep. "are you anxious about the bunny?" (though it should be noted that my chinchilla germanlop is MUCH cuter than this one.) verdammte bloede response. no, i wasn't anxious about the bunny. try i was worried that if i just lay there in bed, i would wake up weighing a thousand pounds, so i wanted to run across the country and into the ocean. that's what i was anxious about. the bunny is doing better. eating and drinking and not spraying, instead of the other way around.

i want to get thor's hammer tattooed on my wrist.