09:58 - 09.12.2007
ohdeargodsihavetogotowork

noone understands my horror over this. probably because noone believes that i actually gained over 40 pounds from being bulimic (instead of anorexic)...in one piddley, little summer. back in june, when i was at my ana high, i weighed 97. now i weigh 140. realize i shouldn't have done it, but i was drunk and it was 3 in the morning. ran back to bed sobbing and ranting. haven't seen the scale since. wonder what my fiance did with it. threw it away? or is it just hiding?

"you don't look like you weigh 140. 120, tops. you needed to gain the weight. you were too skinny before," friends told me. well, i do weigh 140, and i did not need to gain 43 pounds. "maybe the scale was off." probably. but i refuse to consider that as a possibility. just want to hide.

welcome to my life, the perpetual eating disorder. just hopping from one to the next. been living on german chocolate bars and hoummus and chinese takeout for a month. not anymore. really wanting to be an ana again.

in tears because i have to leave for work in 20 minutes. too fat to go outside. don't want anyone to look at me, see how fat i am. doubt there's such a thing as gettingbetter. just getting worse.

accidentally got a newbunny the other night. $10 off all rabbits. cute little germanlop (like the survivingbunny at home), standing on her hind legs, giving bunny kisses all over my hands and wrists. white with gray ears and blotches allover her. named her solange. smaller than the guinea pigs right now. tryinger her best to imitate her big brother in the cage next door.

i painted the kitchen table. which may not sound like a big deal. when i declared my intent to do so, my fiance's brother thought i was going to paint it one solid color. my fiance thought i was going to do a landscape or something. coated it in black, lifted the excess with phonebookpages. traced the bottoms of wine and liquor bottles with metallic colored pastels to make circle chains. sponged on pastel colors--blue, pink, purple. you kind of have to see it. noone else in the world has a table like mine.