22:46 - 06.12.2007
von muenchen bis marion

meijer. never liked that store. seemed weird&creepy to me. even as a child. now i know it's like a wannabe walmart. rather be shot in the leg and slowly bleed to death than shop at walmart. rather...dare i say???...be bulimic.

but meijer! they have a pet section. guinea pigs in fish aquariums so small that the poor piggies can barely move. four hamsters. one dead. one damn near it. one eating the dead one. one kicking shavings over the neardead one. eating the dead one. yeah, because we just let the dead ones sit in the tank and rot. besides, mammals shouldn't live in glass aquariums. it's not healthy, safe, or sanitary.

i hate my job. supposed to be on vacation this week. my boss forgot to schedule it. oops. now i'm just getting a check. can't take my vacation because of the holidays starting next week or whatever, and the vacation goes byebye! and vanishes in a puff of smoke at midnight 31. december. wouldn't you know it! and this will probably happen every year, because i don't "earn" the vacation until the anniversary of my hiredate, which is 1. december. slicing hams instead of taking my break. fetching gloves ofr the meatcutter. bleachfumes in my eyes. i need a new fucking job.

get this: my fiance has been driving me to work. because i can't summon up the will to go otherwise. oh, this is possible because my fiance is actually on vacation this week. scheduled it to spend time with me during my vacation. how ironic!

living on german imported chocolate bars, genuine ohio hoummus (tribeof2sheiks), and occassional chinese takeout, which explains the burnt tastebuds. wine, until i drank it all. i've got to be a borderline alcoholic. drink wine by the liter. 151 & cokezero. shots of jaeger and sake. cheap bottles of beer that have been living under the sink since godsknowhen. trying to forget stuff, i suppose.

still haven't renewed my driver's license. still haven't taken my car to the shop. my license is expired. has been expired. let's hope i don't get pulled over. car hasn't had an oil change and basic maintenance in over a year. oh, and, um, the powersteering pump is leaking fluid at an alarming rate, and could concieveably blowout at any minute. "& even a smallcar like yours would be damnedhard tosteer if that happens," quoth my mother. it's hard to take your car to the shop when you don't have the money and the interior needs cleaned to rid the bulimic stains and scars from parking lot binges, but it's too fucking embarassing to try to clean it in front of the neighbors. who happen to be futureinlaws. supposing i ever do get married.

everyone is so shocked that i intend to take my fiance's name when we get married. what's the big fucking fuss? why would i want to keep my name, like i'm still single? i want to feel like i belong, dammit! besides, even the suggestion of me changing my name pisses off soooo many people that the fact alone is worth it. finally, my initials will be e-l-f. and who could pass up the opportunity to become a magickal elf with the funny hat and shoes and dopey grin and mushroom dance?

yes, i know i'm a little out there. a lot out there. or more. or less.

if i get better, maybe my hair would stop falling out. i have a halloween wig that i like to wear in public to cover the bald/thin spots. people compliment it: "your hairstyle looks nice." i find it hard to believe that they actually believe that a cheap wig is my real hair--nicelooking hair, at that. i figure that either a) they just don't expect a 21yearold to be bald or missing clumps of hair, so they use the "fact" that youngpeopledon'tlosealltheirhairandneedwigs to fool themselves into believing that the wig looks like and is real hair or b) they assume that i have cancer and are trying to be sensitive and friendly towards my pain and suffering. i ponder these possibilities (among others) everytime someone says, "your hair looks so nice today," and laugh hysterically, inwardly, all the ride home.

my fiance's friend, and his wife, both of whom are highschool dropouts, are bragging about the third child they're about to pop out. he has two minimumwage jobs. she sits at home on her ass. so fucking proud of themselves. another highschool dropout would be the meatcutter at my kroger. angry and ashamed of himself of that, ranaway from home, but he's actually one of the most intelligent people i know. streetsmart, i guess you'd call it. he understands how people think, how to make things work out.

i don't understand anything outside of my own head. get sick of people gawking at me (and my fiance announced fury at the way people gawk at me--so it's not just my own paranoia) like i have five heads whenever i go anywhere. i think i'm a nice, normal ohioan. someone should alert the media of this; stop the stares and sneers. just a typical ohioan.

yes, sir; i am living in my veryown ohio.