11:49 - 05.12.2007
sticking my head back in

it is strange.

know it's been a long time since i've posted; can't figure out what the fuck i've been doing.

went to ots (ohio thrift store) and bought myself a whole new wardrobe, enough (black) clothes to fill up a giant trashbag, for 35 bucks. thought my fiance was going to have a heart attack, looking at my cartfull of clothes. and how the fuck do you think you can afford that when we're barely meeting rent? but, yeah, $35. all of it like new. just previously owned. as i told my fiance, you just have to know where to shop and know not to pay for than $3 for anything. my fiance still owns about five times as much clothing as me, by the way.

massive banishing/healing spell for mia. i was sooooo drained afterwards, stayed up all night, that a sip of wine, and i was giddy and drunk.

had to have aidan, my girl bunny, a cute himalayan, meaning that she's white with blakce ears, nose, tail, and feet and red eyes, euthanized on monday. two and a half years old. quite the young bunny. sunday, she was hopping around, chasing the kitty, happy as a lark. monday morning, she hadn't eaten or drank anything overnight. wouldn't move to come get a snack. picked her up. ice cold. drove all over town looking for a vet who would see her. rodent specialist only does surgery on monday; took them 45 minutes to tell us that! aidan wheezing, gasping for breath, whimpering in pain. sent us to a place. which, didn't see rabbits at al. bunnies are "exotics." what the FUCK!?! etc. finally, drove forty minutes away from home to a clinic that assured me they saw "lotsofbunnies." put my baby on oxygen immediately. brought me an estimate of $600+ for 2 days in the hospital. xrays. send her home in a couple weeks with medication that wouldn't help her. couple thousand dollars by the end, probably. sick so suddenly. she hada littermate, taran, cute agouti, who died suddenly, same symptoms, a couple weeks after i got them two years ago. my fiance had a cat that died the same way.

congestive heart failure. genetic.

couldn't even afford the damn hospitalization overnight! hated to see her gasping, suffering, dying, cold. went back to see her. in a baby incubator. poor, sick little girl struggled to crawl into my arms. take me home! take me home! i was crying. all those car rides all morning, promising her that the doctor would make her better. thinking she just had pneumonia. telling myself, anyway. i knew from the time i felt her cold fur that morning that she was dying. sad, pink eyes. "i'm sorry, girl. i'm so sorry. i love you. all i can promise you is no more pain. i love you. i'm sorry."

leaving with a streched out, deadaidan wrapped in a urinesoaked pinktowel. they pee when they get euthanized. their ears twitch even after they're dead. to mother's house, sobbing. mom not believing what was in the blanket. buried in in the backyard with her brother, and the guinea pig and rats. pet cemetery. i'm sorry, girl, i'm sorry.

congestive heart failure. what could i have done? still balme myself. for not being a miracle healer. for spending the last night of her life casting a spell instead of playing with her one last time.

very confused kitty, other bunny, and guinea pigs. looking for her. still. i am, too. wake up and remember she's dead. crying. in the pet store that night. dwarf bunny, halflop. literally. one ear up, one ear down. can you believe it? fiance saying how cute; let's get him. not ready yet. hurts too much. please understand. in a few weeks.

aidan was the quite one. but without her little rustles, chewing newspaper and clickling her water bottle, it's way too quiet here, you know? wonder how long it will take all of us to realize she's really gone.

five inches of snow, out of the blue, last night. day before, it rained so much the roads were flooded. sunny and clear, warm, tomorrow. welcome to ohio, baby.