13:49 - 20.11.2007
what happened?

mia isn't going anywhere, i guess. the last batch of laxatives just won't quit, either. oh well. severe dehydration and stomach cramps it is. a to-do list a mile long. many important things that i keep putting off because of mia. too sick to run errands.

she really outdid herself the other night. binged during my shift at work, hiding in the cooler; on the way home. incidentally, the steering wheel in my car is supersticky now. stomach too-full and bloated. made me keep eating at home. two more trips to the store. "stop! stop!" not that she gave a shit. fiance vaguely asking as i was okay, forcing each bite down, still not tasting, knowing that i was way overstuffed, unable to stop. then lax. as i popping them down, my fiance suddenly decided to make good on a promise from three weeks ago: to take away food when i'm bingeing and lax when i'm purging. tried to take the pills from me. no--from mia. "NO!" mia shreiked, and snatched them, hovering over them like an overprotective mother. "MINE!"

and those lax are still doing a number on my system, two days later. barely left the bathroom. raw, bleedinmg anus. constant stomach pain. fun. not wanting to eat, but knowing i have to in order to finish chasing the poison out of my system. swearing, "never again."

if only it were that simple. my best friend, becca, agress with me that i'm over the edge. too bad i don't know which edge it is. maybe then i could climb back up or have someone throw me down a rope.

man is his own worst enemy, truly. we suffer the greatest at our own hands. sometimes we can't help it. get so caught up in the frenzy that selftorture is all we know anymore. not sure what we'd do with ourselves if it ever were to end. but we want it to end. or do we just say so?