ich m�chte nur, ein gl�ckliches schweinchen zu sein�
und trennt hat aufgelebt
14:05 - 19.10.2007 and to those who think that bulimics are merely too weak and cowardly to be anorexic and turn to bulimia as an �easier� alternative� WRONG. it�s easier to starve yourself than it is to binge and purge. much easier. and then you�re not up sick all night. people see how thin and frail and pale and sickly you look when you�re anorexic, and they�re nicer to you than other people and constantly tell you how wonderful and skinny you look. when you�re bulimic, people ignore or avoid you. those who do speak to you mostly yell and insult and call you a pig and demand that you �come out of the bathroom this instant.� did you throw up? why? quit taking all those damned laxatives! did you know that if you don�t stop _______ing, you�ll ______? yeah, i know. can�t help it. i don�t know if all bulimics desire to be anorexic, though, or if it�s just former anorexics who have grown sick of and disgusted with bulimia and are overcome with nostalgia for their ana days. this is a huge barrier to my recovery; i�m terrified of food and feel that i must purge everything; that once i consume 300kcal, i might as well binge to make it easier to purge. i don�t think that i could ever eat normally again. if I can shake off mia, it will be to go back to ana. and that�s a big if. then my cousin is having a baby. and so is a mutual friend of my fianc�s and mine (actually, this will be her third child). and then my fianc�s friend from high school has two kids already. and my future brother-in-law has four. and it�s just babybabybabybabybabybaby with everyone, including my fianc�overlooking the fact that it would be physically impossible for us to have a baby. plus, i�m terrified of small children. NO BABIES! i had a dream that is was tuesday. and another that i was late for work. and another that my fianc� got into an argument about why i�m too uncomfortable with my body to feel like having sex, that resulted in me being brutally raped. almost beats out all the dreams i have about being seduced and fucked by the meat cutter at work. i doubt that most dreams have a logical explanation. probably just the result of repressed, unrealistic desires and illogical fears. my aunt ranaway to florida with some guy she sucked off in high school. i guess some people never growup. then i think about how i am legally an adult. but i have never felt more like a helpless child in my entire life. i blame mia. eating an apple slowly. but i binged on iforgetwhat earlier. a potato, i think. and two cookies? chips. and in my mind, this apple is also a binge. because i�m only allowed to have half a small apple, and i�ve eaten most of a medium-sized one now. guilty. what will the sentence be? i hate food. lost my ability to taste. to know when i�m hungry. or full. gi tract in shambles. plagued by taste hallucinations of ipecac and laxatives that make me dry heave. better off dead? it�s quite possible. i want to get better. but i don�t know what normal eating is. anorexia is �better� than bulimia. it means i�m good and pure and beautiful�not just in my eyes, but in the eyes of the world. (see how corrupt we are?) i�ve been fuckedup for solong that i don�t know� age six onwards would never eat meat or dairy in a restaurant. family members ridiculing me and calling me �little piggy� when, as a treat while eating out for my brothers� birthday, i selected four mini muffins and pineapple for dessert. knew it was impossible. adult height? 5�3�. very short, obviously. can�t even see over the counter at work. even my kid brother is taller than me. guess i just got the short gene. don't care about that anymore. 5�3� is fine. just want to weigh 87lbs. so i won�t be fat anymore. fuckedup. where will it end? it won�t, i know. statistically, i am �unable to recover� by this point, at this level. i may not always be bulimic, but i will always have some sort of eating disorder. for the rest of my life. i didn�t need to have a doctor say that, though, or to read it in a book. i already knew that it was true, long before they told me. because when i think back over everything, the evidence is clear and present.
19.10.2007 - 14:05
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