22:34 - 11.10.2007
you're all ugly & boring now

knew it, knew it, knew it!

there is food all over my fucking car from bingeing in parking lots because, because, because.

and a slight possibility that i may have ruined a kroger cashier's life. i don't actually believe it, but since my best friend suggested it, i can't stop pondering the matter. the selfcheckouts were down for repair. i was in too deep to bail out, so i went through a regular lane. the cashier looked back&fortyh between my merchandise (4 boxes of laxatives, a pint of chocolateoeanutbutterfudge rice dream nondairy frozen dessert and a container of spicy guacamole) and me several tim3es before blurting: "oh my god! you're one of those bulimics like in the magazines!" causing everyone in the general area to stare at me. i cussed her out in german under my breath as i was leaving. becca, my friend, upon hearing this story, asked if the cashier was really, really fat. well, yeah, she was, actually. so becca thinks that the girl probably bought exactly what i bought when she got off work and took it home to do whatever she thought i was doing. i sincerely hope not. if she took as many lax as me, she would probably drop dead. because, frankly, it's a miracle that i haven't.

120 wenzigen, rosa tabletten. das essen, das ich nicht geschmeckt habe. die erbrochene, die ich zuviel geschmeckt habe. or words to that effect. that i wrote in the essay for the german class. that i dropped. [120 tiny, pink pills. the food that i didn't taste. the vomit that i tasted too much.]

ich fang zu weinen an. ich mache den mp3-spieler an, so dass wir skinny puppy h�ren k�nnten. aber ich h�re keine musik. wir f�hren wieder schweigend. mir war schlecht. mein bauch tat mir weh. ich war so, so, so, so, so, so krank! [i started to cry. i turned on the mp3-player, so we could listen to skinny puppy. i didn't hear the music. we drove on in silence. i was sick to my stomach. i had a stomachache. i was so, so, so, so, so, so sick.]

my boss insists that i take my breaks. & now she's asking if i eat during them. i tell her that i eat when i go home. i hope we get a new guy soon--one that will stay for more than a week. my boss said i can have more dayshifts if we get someone trained [& he stays].

i was supposed to go to the smashing pumpkins concert tonight. my fiance said that, due to conflicting work schedules, it wasn't possible. liar! turns out, my fiance went with someone else (another lover?), while i sat at home and got eaten up by mia. someone else went with my ticket. soldout show. someone else with my ticket...someone else...my ticket...

i haven't told anyone at work that i quit school. my boss accidentally scheduled me to work during a time when i'm supposed to be at school. i'm not going to say a word. if someone says, "hey, why aren't you at school today? don't you have class on monday?" i'll tell them that i'm skipping just this once because i didn't want to make my boss have to rewrite the schedule for me. i'm not that important, anyway. even if i still did have class, i would just skip and go to work and do what i just described. i don't like to create conflict.

anymore, i just want to slip silently through the cracks of life. i don't want to be noticed by anyone for any reason. people try to walk/drive through me all the time, like i'm not even there. i wish i really were invisible. i wish i hadn't hacked all my hair off. it was long and falling out, so in desperation, i chopped off a good nine inches about a month ago. it was instant regret. now there's noplace lefttohide.

i run words together intentionally, sometimes misspell them, depending on how i see them in my mind, in case anyone thinks i'm just stupid or can'ttypeproperly. well, actually i can't type properly; that homerow bullshit doesn't work for me. technically, i do fingerpeck, because i only use my indexfingers, but my wpm is about 65-70 on average, so if that's fingerpecking; well...yeah.

demonstrative adjectives: that, this, these, those. not a, an, the, sone, any, many, one, etc. not big or small or furry or smooth or multicolored or grayscale. certainly not "chased," which is a verb, not an adjective. the granddaughter of the person who invented the moodring is not smarter than a fifthgrader. i think that maybe i am. my parents couldn't answer the question either. but i could. grammar freak? or just because i've studied several foreign lanaguages, which requires one to develop an understanding of grammatical structure&function?

my concertgoing fiance has strep throat and a sever sinus infection. don't think the show helped that any. i wonder how to confront the backstabber about this matter. i found out because the dumbass stopped by to see one of our mutual friends with the ticketstealer on the way to the show. when i went to pick up the aforementioned mutal friend from work and drive her home tonight, she inadvertantly ratted my fiance out, thinking that i knew and had willingly given up the ticket because i didn't want to go, which is what my fiance told her. i believe it was my suggestion to go see the pumpkins in the first place.

this is not my life. i have no life. this is mia's life. and she's living it through me. fuck her.