12:50 - 06.10.2007
allyourdreams are made

weird to check email for the first time in about a month and see 337 new messages. of course, 334 of them are spam. then i realized that i'd logged into my old account. oops. my brain must be falling out along with my hair. so i sign into the new account, and there are 0 new messages. just fine. means that no one missed me.

i actually bought three wigs to deal with the hair problem. and then my fiance's car got repossessed...that typically is what happens when you don't make the monthly payments, and i offered no sympathy whatsoever. when we get married, i am going to be in charge of the finances, clearly. how can you not make your car payment for so long that you get it repossessed when you make $15 an hour? i just don't get it. but after dealing with the bank, the car will be returned next friday. let's hope that someone learned something.

i, myself, was going to quit my job and quit school and try to get into rehab. only there is no rehab in this city. the closest is in cleveland, and the doctor said that the program is so small that, being from outoftown, i had virtually no chance of getting in, depsite being such a severe case. i did quit school, though, and i'm going to try to do an extensive outpatient program 4 days a week. if i can get in and if i can find a way to tell my boss that i'm changing my availability. oh, and if i call off work one more time, i get suspended. nice. so next time i guess i just have to come in puking and shitting violently. or get suspended.

then i'm trying to go back to school winter quarter. change my major to german, since that's the only subject i care about anyway. tried to explain the school thing to my fiance. not because i want to go--because it's expected of me, because i fail as a person if i don't go. my fiance then asked me if there was something i would rather do than go to school. well, of course! i would much rather stay at home and write and paint and such all day. my fiance thinks it's possible. so naieve. can't support both of us on that one paycheck. even if i kept my shitty job, it would never work. have to go to school and get a good job since my fiance is never going to. i have to be the breadwinner. and it's so depressing i want to go jump off a cliff. i wish i were still childish enough to live in that fairytaleland where everything works out the way you want it in the end. my fiance lives there. my fiance is four years older than me, too.

why do i always have to be the grownup?

talked about when i was anorexic, versus bulimic. how everyone always smiled at me and asked how i was doing and told me how amazing i looked when all of my bones were sticking out. my fiance thought i looked better then, too. didn't come right out and say it, but refused to answer when i asked whether i looked better then or now. and we all know what that means. so maybe if i can go to therapy and get over bulimia, i can be superanorexic again. then everyone will love me again.

maybe i'm just resentful because i have no say in my life whatsoever. when i'm not following the commands of my family or work, i'm following the commands of mia. any wonder i feel hopeless and helpless and trapped? my fiance tries to tell me what i want. i don't see how my fiance can know what i want when i don't even know what i want anymore. i want mia GONE! but beyond that, i don't know. and part of me doesn't even want to get better because i'm tired of having to share with everyone else and have things taken from me and give away everything to help other people (especially my fiance), but mia is the one thing i don't have to share and no one can make me give away or take from me. she is allmine, nomatterwhat. this is why is so hard to recover. if i don't have mia, then what do i have? nothing.

i thought i could do it today. thought i could break free. but it's easier to binge and purge than it is to deal with everything else in the world. and then i get so sick that i can't do anything else, so it becomes an excuse not to do the things i don't want to do or have to deal with people i don't care to see. it's an escape.

so i think that tomorrow i will try again. and then again on monday. by tuesday, i'll probably have given up, which will carry over into wednesday and thursday. come friday, i'll be sickofitall and start trying to get better again. but i'll fuck up friday and saturday, which will bring it back to the next sunday. this is the pattern i've been following lately.

seeing the future does not mean that you can prevent it from happening.