22:54 - 14.09.2007
no success for a sad, bulimic swine

not so proud of myself. but not quite ready to go jumping off a bridge yet, either. i�m in the neutral zone; a state of compromise. and that�s really what today was: a long series of compromises.

ate sooo much more than i would have liked, but sooo much less than mia would have liked. dug in my heels. kicked and screamed. when all else failed, tried to pick a less deadly food to consume. tried to put it away more quickly and be done before it was done. soup and triscuits instead of waffles. peanut butter and crackers instead of cookies. a plum instead of more peanut butter. broccoli instead of candy. crackers and salsa instead of chips. beans instead of cake. and more i can�t remember, i think. no logic to my substations, i know, and maybe that�s why mia kept creeping back into my head. but i am trying. and that is something.

something that really set me off: my mother came home from running errands just as i was going into the kitchen to get ice; the main entrance to our house being the kitchen door. �look what i got; look what i got!� she said, literally dangling a bag full of fat plums and fatter pears in front of face, much in the way that one might offer a treat to a dog, expecting him to beg. �do you want a snack, huh? do you� dead serious�she did this to me. not kidding in any shape, way, or form, though i desperately wish that i were. i told her that i wasn�t a bunny, just because she also does this to my rabbits when she brings them treats. her reply: �well, of course not! if you were a bunny, i would have done this�, and then she made the kissy-sounds that one makes when calling a small animal. but, as i told her, she had so done that to me; just with words instead of noises. i hate her. with a passion.

add that to the fact that my youngest brother constantly stares at me like i ought to be locked up in a cage, and i just feel like screaming: �put me in the fucking zoo already!� my brother, i hate him, too. he is �manorexic,� meaning that he eats junk food and pizza nonstop, never works out, and never gains any weight. he also happens to be anorexically thin. how the fuck that works out, i don�t know. he eats 2-3 times the kcal in a day that i do in a typical binge, doesn�t purge, and yet looks like a toothpick. also, he�s at that know-it-all stage, the one that coincides with having no regard for other human life and being totally focused on the self. yeah, i hate him.

somewhere, it will always be summer. i hope to gods that it�s not here, because this summer has been one long, tortuous, downhill ride. i wasn�t even half as bulimic last winter or spring. so ready for summer to end.