23:34 - 13.09.2007
lonely, lonely, lonely

small victories, right? such as, at least it was super-low-cal hoummus and rye triscuits instead of cookies and peanut butter. such as, i didn�t rip open the box and start gorging on the ride home. such as, i made myself put the crackers away and leave the room when i realized i�d eaten half the box. i was hungry, though, after a nine-hour shift at work. i was only scheduled 5-9, but they called me to come in at 1 because our seafood lead, who was supposed to be the meat cutter today, called off. which is odd enough in itself, because the only time he�s ever called off before was last year when he was involved in a terrible car accident and wound up on crutches for 6 months. what really bewilders us, though, is that is wife called and asked to talk to him, and she had no clue that he wasn�t at work. so we�re kind of wondering what the fuck is going on?

i suppose it�s all about taking baby steps. won�t go buy any pink pills tonight. no. i did buy some �smart� water. what makes the water smart (probably smarter than me), i do not know, but i do know that it has electrolytes in it, which i need because i am very dehydrated. so i bought a 6-pack for 7 bucks. and didn�t stress out about the price. also, i refuse to do anything stupid just because my fianc� isn�t answering his phone. mia is trying to tell me all about the crazy things i ought to do, but i�m not going to listen to her. not tonight. not saying that tomorrow she won�t take charge of me again, but godsdammit, tonight, i will not binge & i will not purge. tempted to go drink the liter of merlot in my fridge to make me quit worrying about my fianc�, but then i'll be extremely drunk and will undoubtedly, as i start to come off my buzz, feel like i�m superhungry and tell myself that itcouldn�tpossiblyhurt to eat crackers and peanut butter or tortillaswillabsorbtheexcessalcoholinmystomachandmakemefeelallbetter. the last time i drank a liter of merlot by myself, i ate a box of cookies and half a vegan pizza before i realized i was eating anything at all. then, of course, i started freaking out. and purging. do i really want to put myself through that tonight? no. it would only serve to dehydrate me further, on top of all the emotional and mental strain.

sometimes i can think quite logically when i�m overtired and frustrated. and then i realize, i need to go to bed. can�t have a bulimic episode in my sleep, at least.