17:11 - 11.09.2007
being bulimic SUCKS

it is by no means comfortable to sit at a computer with a 20lb weighted vest strapped to your body. it may take awhile before i can actually worout in it. ugh! but what can i do?

90 tiny pink pills. see box for warnings. do not exceed 3 in any 24hr period. well, warnings ignored, apparently. being bulimic sucks. & i've been clinically diagnosed now. freaked out the psychiatrist. she wanted me to go to urgent care right away, due to my "severe" abuse of laxatives and emetics and diuretics and diet pills. i think i'm fine. that is, i think my intestinal walls are distressed and damaged, because i have so many symptoms associated with that, and also that i have ulcers, due to symptoms, but, again, what can i do? go to a doctor? don't have the money for surgery. don't have the $60/week copay for therapy either. so that's that.

phil, the other pt person in meat/seafood, is quitting in november. so we have to get a new guy. and then another new guy. and then another new guy. and then another new guy. etc. because everyone quits after a week or three, as my boss and i were discussing. but, "we got lucky with you," she said. i don't feel that they got lucky. i show up everyday, sick to my stomach from laxative abuse, tired and miserable-feeling, slipping off to the bathroom when i can. then sometimes i puke and they have to send me home. of course, if i told them about the diarrhea, they'd have to send me home to. i say that i drink a lot of caffeine and water, so i have to pee a lot. and for some reason, they believe me. of course, being that i always either work seafood (which is a solo job) or close the meat department (after everyone else has gone home for the day), it's usually easy to make 12 trips to the restroom without anyone noticing.stroke of luck?

but my family gets pissy, of course, because i'm in the bathroom all night. not that i can help it. if you take 90 laxatives, you can't control much of anything. all you can do is sleep and shit. people ask if you're sick. yes. and no. and yes.

playing spite and malice with a cartoon grizzly bear that likes to stick is tongue out at me. but he does cute tricks. gotta love hoyle. don't really know how to play spite and malice. i've just picked it up from seeing what cards the computer will/won't let me play & where. that's how i learn all the games on hoyle.

such a loser. oh well.