23:59 - 12.08.2007
no phone, no lights, no motorcars

i just saw this commerical that showed a pig buying condoms from a vending machine. i don't get it.

i've developed ipecac tolerance. it doesn't make me vomit anymore. but apparently, it's probably tearing apart my insides. because my stomach and intestines are rumbling and aching in such odd ways. i read in a book i got from the library that bulimics often have to get a certain portion of their intestines cut out in order to end their dependency on laxatives. can you imagine the scar? my fiance will have nothing to do with me someday soon when i'm sitting there in a wig to hide the hair loss, with capped teeth because of enamel damage, missing intestine tract, and possibly having plastic surgery performed on my throat.

i went to another kroger (i.e. not the one that i work at) to buy diet food so i can get better again. ran into some guy i went to high school with. he works there. it's hard to talk about what you're up to when all your life revolves around bulimia. also, i was buying food for one last binge. trying to keep him from seeing that & the laxatives & diuretics in my basket.

binged on a 16oz jar of natural peanut butter. it's justpeanuts, and, consequently, liquid, so i thought that it and the 9oz of fatfree, unsalted pretzels would come up pretty well, especially since i downed about 2/3 of a 2liter bottle of diet cherry cola with it. but i didn't know that i've become ipecac tolerant. the syrup just made my stomach twist and scream. i got depressed & went to get the box of chocolate donuts i've been wanting to binge on for 3 days now. swore to myself that they would be the last ever. (ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!) took a bunch of cute little pink laxatives. drinking my laxative tea. diuretics. workout all day tomorrow. no food. then tuesday, i'm good to go, right?

my fiance's mother, who is a registered nurse, gave my fiance the phone number & address of an outpatient clinic in worthington that is supposed to be very good. he promised to call them tomorrow morning. i know that he won't. he just doesn't understand how serious this is. also, i don't want to get entirely "better;" i just want to get anorexic again.

i got depressed later and went to kmart to look at the exercise equipment they have on sale. did some impluse shopping. which is a sure sign of bulimia, according to the books. doesn't surprise me. you can only eat & puke & shit so much in search of comfort, and then you reach for objects. (reason i spent $400 on clothes & shoes a couple days ago. oh, and that money was for my autumn quarter tuition. oops.) incidentally, the cashier at kmart was also a boy i went to high school with. weird. then i went to walgreens for my purple diuretic drink. saw some bitch that i also went to high school with. unlike the guys, she pretended not to know me.

i'm hoping that going back to school will help, because i won't be trapped in an empty house all day, feeling depressed and bored and abandoned. i bought some skullerfly earrings, a strange blackchain necklace & sortofmatching bracelet, a purple ringbinder, colored legal pads, vibrantcolored permanent markers, and a purple backpack. did i need any of it? no. but i felt that this stuff, particularly the backpack, is the key to me getting better. because i'm delusional like that. if i buy this or if i dye my hair or if i do things a certain way, it will all end. & never does. & i keep trying & believing.

my back really hurts. i probably have some horrible bone disease that's crippled my spine. i love weird al. he came to the ohio stae fair, and if i wasn't so sick & bulimic, i could have gone to see him. i have "amish paradise" stuck in my head. & also about 5 skinny puppy songs. only me. i love ohgr. my fiance sucks.