14:50 - 03.04.2007
notification of failed delivery

the sad story goes that i made it through an entire week without bingeing and purging, despite the stress of the first week back to school, and then sunday night, i fucked up and started again. and the worst part is, that after the purging of the peanut butter and pretzels (such pitfalls!), as i was moping around hating myself, i looked down and suddenly realized that i'd started nibbling on chips without even realizing it. and i just knew i was going tp get so fat and i felt so sick that i started crying and cramming chips and ketchup into my mouth as fast as i could, crying, hating myself, wanting to die, so full, not tasting, unable to stop. so i wound up spending most of the night in the bathroom instead of resting for school.

yesterday was okay.

today has been most expensive. fortunately, i thought to inquire and confirm with my father that the optometry clinic is indeed in fry hall. otherwise, i only stumbled in there with only enough money for the copay, not thinking that before they would order my glasses and contact lenses, i would have to pay for them. which meant i had to get online in a hurry and transfer money into my checking account before i left. good thing i did because even with my dad's really, really good insurance (because it's provided by the university), my total was still $223.98 for two contact lenses, fitting fees, frames & lenses for glasses, tax, and co-pay. the co-pay was $15, and my dad said that my mother will reimburse me that cost. i doubt she will. because my parents actually owe me $800 due to the way we cheated on our taxes, and she is currently trying to ignore this fact, even though we both got our refund checks back earlier this week. she will pay me.

but going back to the optometrical side of things, the insurance will only pay for either glasses or contacts. i lost a lense a year ago, and have been desperate to have them replaced. also, my vision has deteriorated greatly since my last eye exam three years ago. interestingly and bizarrely enough, my eyes have become bifocal on their own because my right eye's vision has deteriorated so mcuh more quickly than the left's over those past three years. which explains why i can see better at a distance if i close my right eye and can read better if i close my left eye, versus having both eyes open at once. essentially, my eyes are bi-focusing on their own; my left sees at a distance and my right sees up close because the right eye has been so under-corrected for so long.

bothe the optomestrist and the student intern were named eric and had german last names. both were very cute and witty. i tried (and failed) to not think about fucking them, shut up alone together in that little dark room. i'm so wicked. such a horrible pervert. apparently, when my boyfriend and i got drunk last weekend, i was prattling in quite fluent german. the few phrases that my boyfriend was able to decipher and recall were rather sexually explicit. fun. he really has to learn german.

i'm really hoping that my cigarettes will come today. i could use a good smoke. and i have to work with tim for the second night in a row. and i could use a good smoke. and i could use a good smoke. they are sitting at the post office, according to teh tracking number. i could use a good smoke.

i actually have all of my homework for tomorrow done, so perhaps i can go to bed a little early tonight. my boyfriend is supposed to come visit me at work. and i have to be at school extra-early to meet my friend at starbucks and also because my art class is meeting in the greenhouse. astronomy was 10mc questions on a scantron. about light. for comparative studies, i wrote a page and a half response about how in devdas, paro should have been crushed between the gates. for art, we had to draw four hands interacting somehow. mine spell out "lila" in sign language, which is german for "purple." i don�t know what to do about german since i don't want to schedule a test or study much for it until i can pick up my essay for correction, and noone has emailed me to say it's okay to come pick it up.

it's already time to get ready for work. i want to quit. i don't want to have to work 36 hours this week with only 1 day off and then go to school and the optometrist and dentist besides. yes, the dentist is actually going to squeeze me in on thursday morning. oh, my bulimia-rotted teeth!

jason has promised we can go running friday evening.