22:30 - 14.03.2007
pretend a goblin ate your tongue

the single most amazing thing ever is that i have neither binged nor purged today at the time i am writing this. according to my human nutrition textbook from the quarter that just ended, in order to be considered bulimic, a person must have binge/purge episodes at least twice a week for three months. i can't remember when this got started to say whether it's been three consecutive months. my new year's resolution was to start a diet. and i did. a fucking crazy one. can't seem to recall, though, when my half-starved self started the bingeing and purging. if it was in january, it's been three solid months. but i really can't remember. i do know that for the past three weeks, i have binged and purged every single day without exception. until today.

i am proud of myself, and so starved and over-caffeinated that i feel like i could pass out or puke or both. an interesting note would be that i can't actually throw up food. i gag myself and gag myself and choke up stomach acid, but that's all that will ever come, no matter what. and come to think of it, the last time i truly puked was when i seriously overdosed on heroin four-and-a-half years ago. that is a long fucking time in which to never vomit anything but bile, you know, you know, you know?

the service won't get cleaned this week in the lovely, disgusting kroger metzgerei. why? because i only have four-hour shifts, and it takes a good five-hour shift to get it clean, being that it takes the a full four hours to do the normal evening work and one hour to clean the service case. i did clean out the case in seafood, but being that we have to break it down every single night anyhow, cleaning it only takes an extra ten or fifteen minutes. maybe twenty. tops. something about my job that i truly fail to understand is why we cover the meat in the service case with plastic (trash bags) and strips of butcher paper every night at close. i can understand turning the light out--shut-off lights always mean "sorry; closed." but when one considers that the meat sits in the case all day long and is perfectly fine without being covered in plastic and paper, why is it not also "fine to leave it sitting uncovered all night? if anything, we should have to break it down like seafood and put it in the cooler, i think. but i'm a vegan, so what the fuck do i know about meat? fucking shit.

moreover, i don't particularly care to learn anything about meat. if they wanted someone knowledgeable or motivated, they shouldn't have hired a vegan. all i care about is cleaning--scrubbing everything really well and hard with soap and bleach and sanitizer to get rid of the bits of blood and bone and flesh and muscle that get stuck everywhere so i can pretend that the meat was never there in the first place. dead animals. why not just slaughter humans and eat them? we're animals, too.

my mother was showing me a recipe in the food section of today's paper, one for a pear-gingerbread cake. she said i could eat it. this cake (in addition to half a million calories and grams of fat), had butter, yogurt, and eggs in it. "it's just a little, tiny bit of butter and yogurt," she said. "and just one egg. you couldeat it." which part of "vegan" does she not understand? nothing from animals is what vegan means. of course, she also asserted that the cholesterol in the cake came from the molasses. then i had to explain that cholesterol only comes from animals and molasses comes from a plant. she's becoming as dumb as my freinds from high school. and they were fucking stupid. every last one of them dropped out; i'm the only one who ever graduated. ghastly.

i stole the new nin song from the radio today. i chanced to notice that my mp3 player (not an ipod) had a "record" function on the radio. so when the song came on, i selected "record." and now i have it trapped. i don't like nin so much as i used to, though, and i don't know why it was so important that i capture that song, but it made me happy to have it. one: trent reznor is a total asshole. two: the shorter he cuts his hair and the less black he wears, the uglier he gets. three: the harder he tries, the worse he fails. four: he's a total dumbfuck. five: also, i hear he comes from millionaire parents, which would mean that he probably has never heard the word "no" directed at him in his entire life. six: etc. then again, what celebrity isn't a total asshole and so on and so forth? money ruins people. i'd rather live from paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. fame ruins people, too. i'd rather remain quiet and unnoticed. which is completely likely, as no one gives a fuck what i think or feel or say about anything. i care. that's why i keep most things to myself, where they'll be appreciated.

coffee, coffee, coffee. and nine blue, sand-dwelling lizards, why not?