00:22 - 12.03.2007
heromaginalitastic

my computer is finally allowing me to see my diary--yay! my body and i are at war. i put it through two hours of absolute hell after my human nutrition final. i took that class partly because i thought that it would help me heal; it has only made things worse. i got my state tax refund back (my daddy was kind enough to file for me this year, both federal and state, being that last year i did it myself, and on time, and yet i never got my money--damned government!). so now i can buy cigarettes and diet pills and laxatives and a cute little stepper machine. oh, and my books for spirng quarter!!! i am very excited: german 104, astronomy 162, art 200, and comparative studies 301, aka love in world literature. i am changing my major to comparative studies of german and english literature. i am most proud of myself for the progress i am making.

i'm exhausted from extensive bingeing and purging and could really use a little nap, but i know that as soon as i close my eyes, my boyfriend will call me back, which he was supposed to do over an hour ago. i think he knows that something is wrong with me but either a) doesn't want to admit it or b) isn't quite sure what it is yet. he might be taking a good job in virginia, which would mean that he would relocate and i would never see him again because the only reason i would ever leave ohio again would be to move to europe. i can't say that i would particularly care if our relationship ended. i don't really love him, and i'm certainly not crazy about him like he is about me. which makes me feel a little guilty. i'm mostly staying with him for the sex. does that make me a bad person? i do take care of him and let him borrow money that he never pays back and cook for him and buy him little presents for holidays and absolutely no reason. he never gets me anything. in november, he missed my birthday. in december, he missed yule. in january, he missed our anniversary. in february, he missed valentine's day. at least it is a long time before he can fail to so much as buy me a cheap card for a holiday celebration. what upset me the most was that on all of these occassions, he "didn't have the money" to get me a gift, and yet he was able to purchase comething for himself each time. which makes me feel as though i mean shit to him. then he babbles about how much he loves me and sounds quite sincere. he confuses the piss out of me.

we went out to lunch with his brother the otehr day. he asked if i was hungry. i told him that i was starving. we went to quiznos, which doesn't have vegan food, so i ate nothing. his brotehr said that he felt like an animal eating in front of me like that. my darling boyfriend said that it was okay because i wasn't hungry. that's his excuse for everything. i am never hungry, according to him. according to me, i am constantly ravenous. funny.

i think that he might now, but takes secret pleasure in the fact that i am bulimic. i don't think that he knows how much it hurts. i remember my dreams in words instead of images. my weight yo-yos; i overexert myself when i workout. i spend all day chugging caffeine and taking laxatives. and bingeing. and hating myself. and wanting to slash my wrists and die.

i liked it better when i was addicted to heroin. i was skinny. i never ate. and i especially didn't eat a third of a jar of peanut outter and half a bag of tortilla chips without knowing, without tasting. i was still out of it, then, but i was more in control of myself.