23:35 - 11.03.2007
dreemcleen

i had a dream the other night that my boyfriend knew the truth about why the enamel is rotting off of my teeth and why my hair is falling out. i suppose it�s all a subconscious fear manifesting itself in the semi-consciousness of sleep because i often fear that i give too much away to him in conversation. i think that, in some small way, part of me wants to be caught by him. i'm tired of keeping everything a secret. and thus, i had a dream that the small cabinet in the corner by the kitchen stove was missing, and that i was crouched in that space, coming clean to my boyfriend on a cordless phone: �i am bulimic!�

the setting of my place of confession would also seem significant, given that it was a small and secretive spot. my strange obsessions with food would of course be a secret, and i take great pride is being able to squeeze into tiny spaces because it makes me feel thin and beautiful. his reaction, however, was less than desirable. he informed me that he didn�t care because he didn�t want to deal with anymore bullshit from me. i started crying. my teeth rotted out. my hair melted away. i felt so fat.

last week, my ex-boyfriend, trent prou, gave me a bunch of homemade soft red flour pretzels because he was extremely concerned that i was getting thinner. i was thinner last week because i binged and purged low-cal, low-fat foods. but i took those fucking pretzels, and they turned me back onto the junk. it should be noted that i am an extremely strict vegan who will not consume anything the least bit questionable. i also will not eat anything with hydrogenated oils, artificial sweeteners, bread, pasta, white rice, white sugar, and a billion other things that i cannot call to mind right now. my idea of �junk food� is extremely different from what most people would consider to be junk. to me, peanut butter and pretzels and dried fruit and granola bars and peanuts and breakfast cereal are junk food. cookies and cakes and chips are a fucking death sentence. i am back to bingeing on my personal junk food instead of celery sticks and apple slices.

trent had two live-in boyfriends. the newest, chase, is damned cute with prussian-blue eyes and long blond hair nearly to his elbows. he is quite skinny and has a dazzling smile and a perfect ass. i�d be lying if i said that it wasn�t my second fondest fantasy du jour to fuck him�the first being to fuck him and trent simultaneously. no scabs or apologies to my current boyfriend, whom i likely do not deserve, but i never, ever fantasize about him.

i do not remember if my dream was in color.