23:34 - 13.09.2007
lonely, lonely, lonely

small victories, right? such as, at least it was super-low-cal hoummus and rye triscuits instead of cookies and peanut butter. such as, i didn’t rip open the box and start gorging on the ride home. such as, i made myself put the crackers away and leave the room when i realized i’d eaten half the box. i was hungry, though, after a nine-hour shift at work. i was only scheduled 5-9, but they called me to come in at 1 because our seafood lead, who was supposed to be the meat cutter today, called off. which is odd enough in itself, because the only time he’s ever called off before was last year when he was involved in a terrible car accident and wound up on crutches for 6 months. what really bewilders us, though, is that is wife called and asked to talk to him, and she had no clue that he wasn’t at work. so we’re kind of wondering what the fuck is going on?

i suppose it’s all about taking baby steps. won’t go buy any pink pills tonight. no. i did buy some “smart” water. what makes the water smart (probably smarter than me), i do not know, but i do know that it has electrolytes in it, which i need because i am very dehydrated. so i bought a 6-pack for 7 bucks. and didn’t stress out about the price. also, i refuse to do anything stupid just because my fiancé isn’t answering his phone. mia is trying to tell me all about the crazy things i ought to do, but i’m not going to listen to her. not tonight. not saying that tomorrow she won’t take charge of me again, but godsdammit, tonight, i will not binge & i will not purge. tempted to go drink the liter of merlot in my fridge to make me quit worrying about my fiancé, but then i'll be extremely drunk and will undoubtedly, as i start to come off my buzz, feel like i’m superhungry and tell myself that itcouldn’tpossiblyhurt to eat crackers and peanut butter or tortillaswillabsorbtheexcessalcoholinmystomachandmakemefeelallbetter. the last time i drank a liter of merlot by myself, i ate a box of cookies and half a vegan pizza before i realized i was eating anything at all. then, of course, i started freaking out. and purging. do i really want to put myself through that tonight? no. it would only serve to dehydrate me further, on top of all the emotional and mental strain.

sometimes i can think quite logically when i’m overtired and frustrated. and then i realize, i need to go to bed. can’t have a bulimic episode in my sleep, at least.